confused me.
I’m confused. I don’t know what I want. I’ve always been that fickle, but I’m feeling it a lot more now. I don’t know why, but it’s been like that for awhile. It’s like, out of nowhere I’m thinking of him, and somehow, all I feel is regret. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but I miss him like crazy.:(:(:( It’s like, I feel that we’re so apart. This feeling sucks. Like hell.:( 8 months. I wonder if it was a good decision back than that I made, which I know requires sacrifices. Which I thought I was numbed to, but maybe I was just keeping it away. Away so that I wouldn’t feel it. My feelings barricaded, kept inside waiting.
I need time off. To think. Away from all these. They keep me away from thinking. From reflecting. I need a holiday. But, I wonder what is it that I’ll find at the end. When I’m done with thinking. What would it be?
Sometimes, MOST of the time, I don’t know what I want. I just drift and float, seeing what comes, and take things at face level. Dreamer. Yeah, maybe that’s what I’ll be called. Taking control of things when it comes. Facing it head on. Looking back at the stuff, I wonder, was it all a dream? It feels like a dream. Should I have done something differently? What difference would it make?
maybe i do love you, i might just be confused. PLEASE, tell me what to do!
i love you,i love you not. i love you, i love you not. who do i love?
and rose again/3:30 AM
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
okay.things dont always go your way.same goes for romance.fuck it.it seems just yesterday that we were saying i love you to each other through smses,and now,we're not even fucking talking to each other.DAMN.not like its my fault anyway.oh well.it sucks when you are a hopeless romantic that falls in love easily and expects the other party to feel the same way bout you.fuck fuck fuck...not that i want to anyway.school is starting soon.good or bad i dont wanna think.one things for sure.why must rp be in fucking woodlands?
its like on the other side of the world.for me,that is.and i have to pass by ang mo kio everyday.that must be some sort of punishment i guess.ah,what the fuck.guys are such assholes.well,most of them.
and rose again/3:12 PM
Saturday, March 17, 2007
okay.i fainted on wed on my way to meet my friends at east coast.was cycling,and reaching when i felt unwell.so i sat down to rest.didnt feel too well so i decided to take a cab home to rest.was walking my bike to the road to get a cab when i felt like everything in front of me was super bright,too bright.than i blacked out.some passer-by came by at that moment and helped me.he pressed my arm real hard and i was slowly revived.haha.than he helped me to lock my bike at the sighboard and walked me to the road to hail a cab.none of the cabs stopped but instead a police car stopped.they asked what happened and then they let me sit down on the pavement and they called my mum to tell her what happened.then they drove me to marine parade police station to wait for my mum to pick me up.
and rose again/3:44 PM
Monday, March 05, 2007
i dont know is it me or does everything turn out so different as what i expected.oh well.i thought love was as simple as 'i love you' but actually it takes alot of effort and also communication.i feel that it is tiring,really tiring to like someone and not know what he feels.its like a game of guessing.and i have absolutely no patience!i hate to wait.and im scared of hurting him and myself.fuck.
and rose again/12:51 PM
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
today sucked.i took 13 after school with val and wanzhen.forgot to change bus till it reached telok kurau sec.i was like 'shit'.walked all the way back to eunos mrt station.it took bloody ten mins to do so.than,i saw 61.i forgot which bus i could take to my bus stop and was lazy to wait,so i took the gamble.i took 61.bloody wrong.it turned out the bus that goes to my bus stop is 67,not 61!!dammit.i was cursing buses when i walked back to eunos mrt.so,decided to play safe AND take the train.finally reached home safety!!
and rose again/6:14 PM
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
im bored.with studying.pimples all coming out.grrr.stupid prelim.and i think i flunk quite a number of subs.how nice.but.im gonna study after prelims for 'o's!!not gonna flunk 'o's.yupp.anyway im in a pretty cranky mood this few days.dont know why.
and rose again/3:38 PM
Sunday, July 16, 2006
yesterday went to orchard with meiling:)went to watch pirates of the caraibbean!!woohoo!finally.been waiting like shit for it.ha!it was superb!!johnny depp is like so gay.hahha.damn funny.and keira is hot.hahha.orlando bloom is just orlando bloom.normal.haha.yeah.today went tution guess who messaged me?t thats who.damn.hes joining too.correction.already joined.i tell you this is so not my day.i dont like seeing him for some long long reason i shall not elaborate.damn.
and rose again/8:04 PM
Friday, July 14, 2006
dammit.i had suspension today.i came late,kee send me to dm straight!!aint he mean or what?man.lucky there were 5 others suffering with me.sadly,three were sec1s and well...you know how they behave.hahha.yupp.one of them got into suspension cause yesterday,he shouted vulgarities into the mircophone.pretty cool huh?hahha.that lonely ass stayed till 330.i bet his gonna like rot there.ha!lucky me,after talking to kee,got off at 130.not bad.5 hours plus of nothing to do.one could like rot there,while me,did homework!for once,i know:)than i read the linda howard book.sex scenes were great!!and steamy:)hahha.i like narrated the whole book to meiling:Dhehehh.it was torturous for her but enjoyable for me:)hee.its fun to torture her!!i know im evil,what can i say?i enjoy it.went sakae after school with wanzhen,tree and siew mai:Dwe told them it was ala carte.think they didnt hear us cause they cleared everything:):)in the end they ask me to tell them what we ordered.obviously,i remembered little.so in the end our bill was 40 plus only!!heh:)
and rose again/9:46 PM
Sunday, June 18, 2006
just woke up at 12 plus one.slept at 3am.boy,am i hungry.watched lulu princess last night,or should i say this morning.its stupid,but entertaining:Dhahha.after that was memories in bali.
and rose again/1:44 PM
bloody tired.its like 1 plus going 2 in the morning??yupp.hahha.im tired.just played stitch game online.kinda stupid and all yet fun:Dhehehh.yupps.damn tired.yawns.man.todays sunnday.theres muiling tution at 8pm.boring.just saw her yesterday again.with her other students.the girls kinda bitchy but okay la.they treat muilings house like their own.no wonder muiling keep on yelling at them.she even bang her hand on the table.woah.but come to think of it,they deserve it.hahaha.im not trying to be mean and all la.mum's coming back on tues.wonder if she became darker:)hahha.
and rose again/1:47 AM
Saturday, June 17, 2006
tues went with val,huiyi and dawn to pulau ubin and with val mum childcare centre people.kinda fun and all:)one little kiddie was freaking irritating.tried to pour ice cream on me first.when i found out,he quickly ran to val mum and went'auntie susan!'what a kid.than he tried to pour cola on me.i swear i could have wringed his lil neck.but i controlled myself.and that lil terror had to remind me that i was late time and time again.i couldnt resist punching his arm and wringing his neck:)hahha.thurs went lit seminar and than to val church chalet with tree and huiyi.one word to describe:boring.(sorry val)but than again it was pretty fun.we walked barefooted to the beach and we witnessed a wedding couple taking wedding photos:Dwe went to play in the playground and in the baby pool.the lifeguard kinda came over to tell us that it was a baby pool,not for us and chased us away:(dammit.than daddy came over to safra to pick us up at 11pm.val and huiyi came to my house!:)we showered and talked till 3am.boy,was it tiring but fun:)we talked bout sex....yeah.
and rose again/10:19 PM
Friday, June 16, 2006
just thought of cleaning up my drawer
saw stuff people gave to me weeks,months,years ago.
read diaries i've written in sec2,3
realized lotsa stuff i never realized than.
but everything seems to make sense right now.the reality of things.
man.too late for regrets though.
that drawer is so full of memories,
happy or sad.
life seems so much like a journey.
and we are the ones driving:)
and rose again/6:35 PM
Monday, June 05, 2006
interesting things to note.one american couple racing up the escalator.one family changing their kids clothes OUTSIDE the toilet.two guys taking photos of the ceiling??one small boy ran into a pillar and fell flat on the ground and started crying immediately.one small girl hidind under a table.enjoy!
and rose again/5:16 PM
Sunday, June 04, 2006
friday went to karens cousin jc.pretty fun though.but we almost got lost.yupp.play was bout cleopetra and anthony....and anthony is good-looking:Dhehe.yupp.anyway was bout 9 plus ten by the time we took the bus from yishun back to tam.boy, was it fun!!yay.hahahha.yupp.ate mac with karen.tell ya i was exhausted!!anyway by the time i went back home, it was like 1130 already.wow.tired_like_shit:)hahaha
but its kinda fun.have i mentioned that their school is pretty big??guess not huh:)yupp.yesterday went to mui lings house for poa tution.we took the lift to 13 storey and back down for like 3 to 4 times since we are early.damn scary.dog came in on 6 storey and,we started screaming our lungs out.actually, was only me and lynn screaming.val looked at us from the side and was laughing.the owner looked at us and accidentally dropped the leash.we screamed louder!hahaha.lynn crushed me and we yelled at that retarded dog sticking its head in the lift.we took the lift down and realised we were late AND went to the wrong lift.stupid muiling , have so many lifts in her block.yeah.damn her.we ended up, late.sheesh!
and rose again/8:17 PM
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
oh great.im sick again.AGAIn!!!this sucks.seriously.dammit.yesterday went watch over the hedge with my dear husband:)was feeling great torturing her the whole day!!hehehh.what can i say?im kinda evil.yupp.but it was damn fun!!we went suntec,than to esplanade,marina bay watch boats:)than to victoria concert hall.yupp.than headed home.shes so nice.send me home.hahahha.nice meiling!!:)love ya.hahahha.yupp.oh ya.the show rocked!go watch it!oh ya.today ne learning journey.it kinda sucked??cause of that bloody tour guide.voice bloody scratchy and all.SHEESH!!trust me.she made me have headache the whole day.DAMN HER!!!my head still hurts:(and it was bloody boring.weren't even listening to whatever she was saying,like it would do us any good.anyway her voice just drones on like some idiot.anyway was pretty glad when we could go home:Dcause i felt like sleeping with or wothout that droner around:)anyway i think i have a fever.
and rose again/3:49 PM
Sunday, May 21, 2006
ya know i've been thinking.is there such a thing as God?does he really exist or not?where do we go when we die?is there such a thing as heaven?so many questions and so little answers.this just sucks.
and rose again/2:11 PM
Saturday, May 20, 2006
yesterday went karens church after tiring chinese remedial.trust me i wanted to go home,collapse on my bed.was THAT tired.but promised karen i would go to her church the event.so i found myself on bus 61 with karen and reena at 4 plus.we dropped at city hall while reena stayed on the bus.we went to this irish sandwhich bar called 0'brians.(i think this is the spelling)yupp.the food was so tempting.it was calling to us:)we couldnt decide what to buy.in the end we settled for the sandwhich.it was like 6 plus.forgot what it was called.we sat and drank water.soon our sandwhiches arrived.looked damn appetizing!me and karen ate one piece each and realized that it was 5 already.about to go when we saw emilyn and matthew.hahahha.emilyn came over and talked to us.we packed the sandwhiches and went off.
and rose again/7:19 PM
thurs bryan and karen came my house.we watched innocent steps.it was pretty fun.hahhaha.but he was pretty shy and all.didnt really talk.we made him buy snacks:Dhahhaha.than after the show we went our separate ways.bryan to meet his friend, me to karens house:)i went to her grandmas house to help them.her grandma moved to a studio apartment.so we helped her to move the stuff from her old house.her grandmas nice.unlike my grandma.super grumpy and only like to yell.sheesh.i dislike my grandma.after helping it was like 8 plus at night.was hungry.stayed for dinner at her grandmas house.food she cooked was nice:Dthan went with karen to buy some stuff at her grandma house the bookstore there.went home after that.when was like two or three stops away from home, a 30 or 40 year old man came onboard.he was like walking in, facing me, when some passenger pointed at him and said something in hokkien i think.he looked down in embarassment and zipped up his pants zip in front of me!!!its like damn sick, trust me.simply disgusting.yupp.reached home at 10.lucky for me.didnt see mum.means no naggy mum:)
and rose again/6:48 PM
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
lynn came my house.waiting for bryan.he takes a bloody long time.we ate nachos with cheese again!!hahahha.think we all grow fat.yupp.than we watched initial d for third time.karen, sorry.think im gonna spoil your cd soon:Dhehehh.yupp.yay!!tomorrow karen coming my house again!gosh.seriously it feels like a holi:)hahhaha.if you know what i mean.yupp.
and rose again/12:04 PM
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
darn.wanna go shopping.sheesh.SINGAPORE SALES coming!!26 MAY!!to july i think.DONT EVER MISS IT!!!
and rose again/8:18 PM
karen came to my house today.had a party!!we watched initial D and had lots of food:)nachos with cheese, hot choco drink, donuts.yeah!!this is the life!:)hahahha.bloody fun!tomorrow bryan is coming my house.watching movie too.he is gonna bring.hahhahha:)hope it is not a horror show though.i'll seriously scream!!watched initial D a second time.im having a headache now.sighs.well.cant wait!!tomorrow is last paper.chem and physics MCQ.cant be bothered to study though!its either a,b,c or d:Dafter that shopping malls, here i come!!woohoo.
and rose again/8:10 PM
Monday, May 15, 2006
one paper down.one more to go!!!this is great!!too bad i got stupid oral at 745 tomorrow.gotta go for assembly.man.sad.while most of the people can come later.sheesh.i hate being register 1!!cant wait to get money to hit the malls though.saw what i wanna buy le:):)hehehh.
and rose again/2:47 PM
Saturday, May 13, 2006
today went tution at 2 plus.saw a huge cat outside val house.damn scary.it didnt move off when we came nearer.than we saw the tution teacher walking up.we went up one storey to hide.than me and lynn saw the teacher trip.damn funny!!:)we laugh like hell.than she kinda looked up.we hid:)hahahha.than later went back to her house val chased the cat away.we came in and started tution.
and rose again/8:00 PM
Friday, May 12, 2006
today was a pretty fun day.i think.went online in the morning talk to karen,barbara and asshole.played solitaire with karen.i tell you shes bloody good.yupp.anyway pretty fun.met berlin at orchard.we went to heeren, cine, and far east.barbara met us at far east.from there we walk alk to shaw to watch movie.we watched poiseddon(i dont know how to spell)pretty much like titanic i guess.ship overturned,everyone panic,the people were like sliding everywhere.damn cool!!:)hahaha.but pretty gruesome.can see all the dead bodies(eewww)can see the built in swimming pool in the top floor all the water slide out too.than everyone in the kitchen and the control room died.thats sad:(lets mourn for them for 10 sec.okay.done.anyway some of them(one firefighter,one mother with son,the artictech of the boat,one father looking for his daughter and her boyfriend)decided to move upwards so that they can get out of the boat and not die.they went one storey up and found the daughter and chris(boyfriend).his leg was pinned under some heavy stuff and they helped him get out.anyway, go watch the show if you wanna know what happen next:)i dont wanna say everything.spoils the movie.anyway after the movie berlin went to east coast to meet her parents.barbara and i didnt wanna go home as it was like 4 plus(bloody early).so went walk walk to see.she wanna find mothers day present for her mum.so we went heeren, cine, centrepoint.hahahha.damn funny i tell you.we talked alot of crappy stuff.barbara is like so skinny, im so jealous.hahahha:)and she eats alot.dammit.reached home at 7 after a squeasy-cant breathe properly time in the train.some assholes in the train think they are so bloody funny talk damn loud.keep on laughing.me and barbara rolled our eyes at them.c'mon they are not even funny.they so called 'jokes' dont even deserve a haha from me.thankfully most of them went off before me.the train was so darn quiet i was thankful for peace:)aahhh.went home showered than went to watch drake and josh.damn stupid-yet-nice that kinda shows.hahha.cause asshole reminded me of the show.well.i watched this episode before anyway but still rewatch it for laughs:Danyway now waiting for mum to buy dinner for us.
and rose again/9:09 PM
yesterday asshole called me.we talked.hahaha.he's a pretty nice guy and all i guess.me and asshole are just good friends thats all.yupp.we talked for a pretty long time over the phone bout lots of stuff.hahahha.he didnt remember my birthday.hmph!than he asked me for it and wrote it down.hahhaha:)that was cool of him.at least he bothers to remember it now, i hope.anyway we talked till close to 12 than went to sleep.yupp.quarrelled with my mum again.dammit.she keep on doing stuff and saying its for my own good.c'mon.i rather she dont do anything.i'll thank her.
and rose again/10:48 AM
Thursday, May 11, 2006
today i feel so relaxed and happy although im like still sick.oh well.maybe thats cause i have two papers left??:):)anyway feeling bloody happy!went out to suntec with val and lynn.that lazy PIG lichoo went home sleep.hhahah.bloody fun!had a blast!yay.val wanted to buy her mum a mothers day present.wow.we took hours just findingg a handbag for her.she was like should i get this or that.i've got a headache just listening and helping her choose.*groan*than i saw this freaking nice nike shirt.its white with some black words and it has green lines over it.man.i fell in love with it.its like 40 plus though.hope i can persuade daddy to buy for me:Dim so bloody glad exams are like gonna be over soon.cause i have like this freaking splitting headache for days.due to stress and all.you know:)hhehehh.anyway it feels like holi to me now:)
and rose again/4:09 PM
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
dammit.its like such a bloody long time since talking to asshole.actually not that long i guess.whatever.todays paper lit.i wrote like half a page for each question.nothing to write.and oh ya.i'm sick.that probably sums up my mood swings and all.dammit.its like everyones sick last week and im not.than this week im sick.as usual.my body likes to be sick when exams are like just over and im gonna go out and play:)darn!anyway so damn happy.made plans with different groups of friends to go out,have fun,PARTY!!!:)im like not free till tues:)due to plans made and all.yay!!
and rose again/8:02 PM
Monday, May 08, 2006
yesterday, went church.saw assholes message and replied him.soon he called me and ask me how where to buy prepaid card and all.yupp.said that bill was too high and all.than after church was walking with daddy saw sebastian.said hi.he was like alone.than messaged him after awhile.he said that he guessed i would message him.i called him loner:)we chatted.than he went off to study.hhahaha.he was damn funny.went tution and after that to meet meiling at mac to study.i think we play more than study but i did learn new stuff.hahhaha.yupp.meiling saw eldons bro and told me'scully he come too'.later she really saw eldon at mac.yuck!!i was like wtf!he saw me too.was like staring.like whatever.like i give a damn:)saw shermain and her cell group leader.they too studied beside us.hmmm.study till 8 plus than shermain took cab,me and meiling walk to bus stop.mum called on the way.said so late where i am blah blah.the way mums usually talk.and she hung up half way on me.wtf!hello!im like listening to you half way scolding me and you hang up?!whatever.saw a bloody huge rat!it was like freaking huge,and dirty.eewww.scared me out of my wits though.asshole messaged me:)than we talked on the phone.he had some problems and asked me to help him solve.hmmm.somehow i really dont know what im feeling.its like i feel that i treat him as a close friend and all but i dont know whether he treats me as one too.but if he cares to tell me so much stuff he must care too right?? *thinking*hmmm.but yesterday was pretty fun.he turned vegetarian!i was shocked.cause i hate vege!but he went on saying i have hated vege for the past 15 years of my life and i became a vegetarian cause i saw a cute chick and a cow on tv.and he even said the chick was so cute and all.seriously it was damn funny the way he said it.i didnt know he cared so much for the chick and all.yupp.but i felt happy that he told me so much.it made me feel that he was treating me as a close friend and all.yupp.
and rose again/12:20 PM
sat was a fun lazy day for me.watch tv.eat.sleep.doesnt seem like exam period at all:)went sushi tei for dinner:)believe me the food rox there.so are the prices.yeah.went cycling with bro and mum at east coast at 10 plus.hmmm.talked abit with bro on the way.at 11 plus messaged asshole.asked him if he still drinks.he said yes.than talk a little.
and rose again/12:15 PM
Thursday, May 04, 2006
LOVE
L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one i see
V is very very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone of you adore and
LOVE is all that i can give to you
LOVE is more than just a game or two
TWO in love can make it
take my heart but please dont break it
LOVE was meant for me and you:)
aint it nice or what?the show is even nicer.sad love story as the name suggests is SAD:)but damn nice to watch.watch it,cry and smile too.
and rose again/10:19 PM
dammit.today had ss paper and emath paper.ss i had barely enough time to do finish.i was like shit!!15 mins left for last question so wrote crap.whatever.emath paper was like.argh!not enough time, paper hard like anything.couldnt believe the questions that i saw.i was like huh??anyway just went to see gay blog.initially disgusted yet interested.now.okay la.but still its weird reading gay blogs.anyway i miss asshole.miss talking to him i guess??whatever.he pissed me off on sat.never talk to him since than.wait and see if he feels guilty.hope so:)
and rose again/5:28 PM
Monday, May 01, 2006
today was fun!went trees house with lynn to study.but ended up playing and all.lalalala:)and asshole messaged me.yupp.asked him if he liked her.he said yes.DAMN HIM.hahahha:)okay.i wasnt sad.i was okay.but when he messaged me again i got pissed!later than say.gotta go eat dinner at no signboard.the food is bloody nice:)yeah.DROOL!hahahha:)
and rose again/6:52 PM
