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Sunday, April 05, 2009
i don't love you, not today
after watching definitely, maybe, i was trying to get some reassurance from my bf, so i called him after the show ended. i saw his message an hour back and thinking he was probably waiting for me to talk to him, i called. he didn't pick up. so i called again. he picked up sounding really pissed. turns out he was sleeping and i woke him up. AGAIN.
after a bit of silence and awkward questions to try and fill in the gap, i asked,' do you love me? ' 'not today. ' was his answer. when i heard that, it just felt so....
empty. it was a feeling i didn't have for a long time. a feeling i hate. emptiness. and all i could do is cry. and pretend i was fine over the phone. i didn't want him to know i was crying again. he'll feel guilty for making me cry again. nowadays, the tears fall so easily. it didn't use to be this way. i just feel so vulnerable recently. which sucks.
i hate getting hurt. i mean, no one loves it. but me being more vulnerable means i get hurt more easily. and hell, the last time i was that vulnerable, i got hurt so deep i spend a hell long of a time licking my wounds. hell long.
after awhile, he asked me, 'do you love me?' 'i don't love you today', was my answer. i just got a whole myriad of feelings inside of me i don't even know what to feel. the common feeling was emptiness though. and sadness. alot of sadness.
sure, i bounce back easily after being sad. an hour or so and i'll be fine, depending on what it was. even the worse thing that ever happens, i'll be fine after a good night's sleep.
